What can be saved?

I am up too early on very little sleep and virtually no food. My marriage, in one short and painfully long month, is unraveling. I am exhausted. I am trying to keep moving, keep working so that there is some stability, peace, clarity in this home, especially for our son but also for me. It is hard when depression lives in this apartment with us. We are in so much therapy and trying to be in more.

I pray, deep into my core, that we can work through this, and together.  I am trying very hard and I know I cannot try alone. We've had a big, big love and I still do.

This blog began as a love letter to my son, my husband and my life. And like most long-term love letters, the silliness and heartache and challenges and ooh-iness and goobiness has all been tucked inside. Now all of that - and more that I could never have seen coming - spills over on the screen, in my churning thoughts, on my living room floor.

My own Project: Life Change seems to have taken a turn. I'm not just trying to save my marriage, I am trying to take care of myself. And both feel just so big right now.

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Making my life (just a bit) easier

We have a lot going on, but who doesn't right? Sometimes, I am hesitant to write too much about my own stresses, my own scoffing at seeking "balance" and all the little details of my existence that have you snoring and me evolving into the ranty lady who's cubicle you actively avoid and who's emails somehow "get lost in cyberspace." So for today, I am taking a break (go ahead, collectively sigh with relief) to tell you about a few of the things that are helping dissipate the stress and keep me centered on juggling rather than balancing. This is one mama-to-another, daily sort of stuff, nothing earth-shattering or a-ha inducing. But I swear, in days that go from manageable to wackadoodle in a matter of minutes, here's some of the goodness that's contributing to my deep exhales:

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Project: Life Change. Of course. That is, change of course.

My priorities have shifted in the last month because, as I've mentioned here vaguely, we've had some turmoil in our home. And really, that is like saying parenting is hard when sometimes it feels absolutely handleable and the next moment, insurmountable. I wrote a bit about what we're are trying to move through here.

This is tough for me to write about here because it is not all mine. But several of you have kindly asked me if I am OK and even more kindly, asked my mom if I am OK. The answer is: I am trying.

I am trying to take care of myself because it is important for me and because I understand (now) that it is the best thing I can do as a mother. I am reaching out to my friends (thank you) and my parents (and thank you) and even to my blogging friends (and also you). I am reading good stuff and praying and tonight, I am going to get back to meditating because it helps my fast-forward-prone mind just rest.

And tomorrow, I am taking the day off guilt-free and going to lunch with my grrrlfriend Molls who, by the way, is getting married in March. I want to help her pick out a cake but I also want to bask in a bit of that boundless joy. I might even order a drink. After that, we're going to a movie. In the middle of the day.   

My Project: Life Change has taken an unexpected turn, or perhaps more accurately, veered way out on some frontage road I don't recognize yet. But I have not forgotten my commitment to myself and I have not forgotten all the hard work and questions and challenges and good stuff going on with many of you.  But let's not forget that even the most industrious, ambitious, A students among us need a break. Even from the release.

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