And then the words I needed to hear came to me

I've been at a standstill. Not in my work. Not as a mother. Not in the moments I've spent with the people I am close to these days. Not with family. Not even with myself. I've been at a standstill right here.

I went in to NaBloPoMo with conviction, just as I have for the last few years. I like challenges and I am self-competitive enough to see them through until the end. But I didn't go into the month excited. I love the idea of posting every single day and I love seeing all those posts piling up down the center of the page. I love pushing myself as a writer, to be more concise, clever, consistent.  What I didn't love was how I was using my drive to complete this challenge.

I was staying up too late, stressing out over topics to post on, writing paragraph after paragraph when I only intended to serve up a tasty little appetizer. I was frustrated. I was exhausted. And still, I kept pushing.

Oh, and complaining. I was also complaining. In fact, I was complaining to a friend (thank goodness, a friend who gets it) about how NaBloPoMo was killing me (no no no, not that I was killing myself...oh no, it had to be NaBloPoMo), when a small and significant thought raced across my brain and fell out of my mouth:

I am not being graded on this.



I laughed when I said it out loud but I knew there was more weight to it than that.



I am not being graded on this.



The great blogging professor will not take her big red pen to little
old Sassafrass. The NaBloPoMo committee will not hold up a line of
white cards that will make my mother, coach and four teenage flans
flinging teddy bears and plastic-wrapped roses to boo at the numbers.
Heidi Klum will not appear and "auf" me immédiatement.



And so, I stopped. I closed up the laptop and let Sassafrass sit for a
few days. It felt so good. If I felt the old self-competition creeping
in or a bit of panic that I hadn't posted enough, I just reminded
myself of my new mantra.



I am not being graded on this.



And of course, I could say this about every other part of my life, the
ones whirring by a full speed and those that I occasionally let slip
back into a standstill. It will be good for me to remind myself that it
is not necessary for me to be an A-student every day, all the time, in
every way. Not as a professional, not as a friend, not as a daughter or
sister or even as a mother.



It doesn't mean I don't want to be on the honor roll. I do. I want,
like everyone, to be amazing. But I also want very much to thrive, and
I cannot thrive if I am more concerned with how I am being marked than
how I am living.



So this month, I choose to opt out. Not completely, but just enough to
put my mind and anxieties and exhaustion at ease. I may take it all
back up and I may not. I hope to be back tomorrow and I may not be. It
doesn't matter. Me, my attendance and what I do here is not being
graded and knowing that now makes me feel like one of the smartest kids in the
class.

Comments

[furiousball]

i'm going to start my own month long contest called UBloMe

[Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass)]

Furiousball, I think you mean it would be called UBloPoMe and I think you'd be very disappointed when the best participants give it a go and then drop out prematurely as is bound to happen. Just saying.

[cindyfey]

Forgive my snarky impulse to give you an A+. Do what you need to do, write what you can and thanks for it.

[Ms. Single Mama]

I feel you.

It's SO hard to post often and post well often. What I find is that it's always better to not post than to post something forced.

Hoping you find your balance!

[Seth]

I this this post gets a B-