Meet my little alien

He transforms in this costume. It is something hilarious and slightly strange and amazing to behold. He has a dance all choreographed and he slinks down the hallway on all fours. He moves in close -- too close -- and doesn't ever say a word. 

That's how I knew the costume was perfect for him. Lots of people will be Avengers and Mario Brothers -- that's what I told him. And he thought about it for weeks and chose to suit up in a way that really suits him.

He wore the costume many times before today. One Saturday, he was in and out of it six or seven times. He is uninhibited. He is inspired. He is in love with himself in all that spooky Spandex. 

This morning, he couldn't keep still while I tucked all of his skater-punk hair into the mask and Velcro-ed it shut. He fidgeted while I tied his sneakers and tucked his pants way down in the skinny legs of it all. 

"I can't wait to see how kids react when they see me!" He said this as he waved at people passing by in cars as we drove to school. 

But when we got to the playground and the kids stopped and stared, he moved in closer to me. His gelatin moves stiffened and he tucked under my arm as a pair of Mario Brothers pointed and said he was too spooky. 

My alien-boy got shy. And maybe a little embarrased. I tried to pull him out of it, but he waved off my attempts. When the bell rang, he waved off his friends as well as they tried to touch his wig and tug at his finger tips. It didn't go the way he envisioned. 

It wasn't the kind of encounter he planned. I hope when I go back to pick him up, he sees it all differently. I hope he's warmed up to the weirdness of his costume and the fabulousness of the opportunity to be mysterious and funny and a little creepy all at once. I hope he's found his way back home in his costume.

We will go to a party and then trick-or-treating with too many kids on a street too crowded with parents and wagons and strollers and chaos. Then his dad will arrive, surely dressed to match, and I will snap a thousand more photos of us all. It will be cold and too soon we will be ready to call it a night, no matter how much candy is in the bucket and how much more the other kids are up for. 

I will whisper to him that he is so him. And that even swathed from top to toe in alien green, I see the boy he is and I see who he is becoming and I see the part that connects it all and will stay true, year after year, get-up after get-up, change after change. 

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What I've been doing when I haven't been here

It has been too long since I've been here. I don't like that feeling, the itchiness that comes when I have so much going on in my life that I can't get my body and brain to settle long enough to give Sassafrass the love she deserves. Instead, I write posts in my head. I take pictures as prompts. I set cell-phone reminders and carve out spots on my calendar. 

And then there's one more email to answer, a few little things to finish first. There's a phone call or series of texts. Or I feel depleted, distracted or just direly in need of a dose of Real Housewives. 

It's not always bad -- sometimes the life-stuffs happening are good and gooby and happy and in-loveish. And I want to be there, in it, swirling around and enjoying it rather than disciplining myself to sit back down in front of a screen. 

But even when I know all of this and rationalize this and remind myself of this, I still feel the itch that needs to be soothed. Eventually, it gets irritating or remind-y enough that I get back here. So here I am. 

And here is why I have been all of these things over the last couple of weeks.

1. I have been in mediation. Perhaps those of us who are divorced need to believe that finalization papers really are the end. But the truth is that, for many of us, court continues on. I've been in two long, exhausting, emotional mediation sessions and am also in the midst of another court hearing process on a separate issue. It's a lot -- of money, time and keeping myself organized, tempered and true to what I believe is best for my boy. I want to share more about this when it feels a bit less consuming. (In the meantime, what would you like to read?  How I make it through mediation? The best bits of advice I received? Or just the dirt?)

2. I have been writing. A lot. I've also been editing and content strategizing and filming videos and appearing on live news segments. It's thrilling to be so close to that exactly-where-I-want-to-be place with my work. And I cannot wait to share the details with you.

3. I have been in the midst of some pretty heavy parenting stuff. Everyone's safe and OK. But Lil E and I have been making a pretty tremendous transistion. Nothing radical, mostly a shift of the heart and community. I've needed to funnel a lot of tenderness toward him in the last month because some little moments have changed us quite a bit. More on that soon, too (I promise).

4. Oh, yeah. The Not Boyfriend's minutes away. I've been delighting in the tiny changes -- stopping by for breakfast, seeing him every Wednesday evening, having a partner to go to Steppenwolf plays with me, an Ikea trip together, spontaneous (sort of) after-school meet-ups with the kiddo. And we are still adjusting to the change and the schedules and trying to make it all work smoothly. 

5. I've been reading. Because of all the heavy-duty shit happening, I've been unfolding the dog-eared pages of my favorite Pema Chodron book and going over and over the lovely wisdom in Welcome to Your Crisis. I've also been making my way slowly -- as I can steal bits of time in the tub and during Tae Kwon Do class -- through Kyran Pittman's Planting Dandelions. Kyran, who is hilarious and wears fishnet stockings and thusly making her perfect for me in those regards alone, writes this like a good friend who reveals more and more as you make your way through the book. There's a building honesty and trust as the chapters go on. And it's comforted me and made me feel like this friend, who I know only from a conference and many Twitter LOLzing, is closer. 

6. I have been getting Sassafrass ready to go to college. Well, technically since she's six now, I guess that'd be closer to kindergarten or first grade (so smart!). But actually, the relaunch I am planning with a talented designer really will make Sassafrass look like a real overachiever. I am so damn excited. And yes, you know what that means -- more details later.

See? I made it. All the way down to end of one post. And now I am quite sure it will be hard for me to close up the laptop until tomorrow. But I will because I have already outlined all the conversations and confessions and revelations we will be having in the days ahead. 

See you then. I promise.

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Someone Else's Words Wednesday: "When speech no longer suffices"

Songs are thoughts, sung out with the breath when people are moved by great forces and ordinary speech no longer suffices.

Man is moved just like the ice floe sailing here and there out in the current. His thoughts are driven by a flowing force when he feels joy, when he feels fear, when he feels sorrow. 

Thoughts can wash over him like a flood, making his breath come in gasps and his heart throb. Something like an abatement in the weather will keep him thawed up.

And then it will happen that we, who think we are small, will feel still smaller.

And we will fear to use words. When the words we want to use shoot up of themselves - we get a new song.

—Orpingalik, Inuit poet and shaman

via Parabola Magazine [one of my favorite Facebook likes]

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