It has been too long since I've been here. I don't like that feeling, the itchiness that comes when I have so much going on in my life that I can't get my body and brain to settle long enough to give Sassafrass the love she deserves. Instead, I write posts in my head. I take pictures as prompts. I set cell-phone reminders and carve out spots on my calendar.
And then there's one more email to answer, a few little things to finish first. There's a phone call or series of texts. Or I feel depleted, distracted or just direly in need of a dose of Real Housewives.
It's not always bad -- sometimes the life-stuffs happening are good and gooby and happy and in-loveish. And I want to be there, in it, swirling around and enjoying it rather than disciplining myself to sit back down in front of a screen.
But even when I know all of this and rationalize this and remind myself of this, I still feel the itch that needs to be soothed. Eventually, it gets irritating or remind-y enough that I get back here. So here I am.
And here is why I have been all of these things over the last couple of weeks.
1. I have been in mediation. Perhaps those of us who are divorced need to believe that finalization papers really are the end. But the truth is that, for many of us, court continues on. I've been in two long, exhausting, emotional mediation sessions and am also in the midst of another court hearing process on a separate issue. It's a lot -- of money, time and keeping myself organized, tempered and true to what I believe is best for my boy. I want to share more about this when it feels a bit less consuming. (In the meantime, what would you like to read? How I make it through mediation? The best bits of advice I received? Or just the dirt?)
2. I have been writing. A lot. I've also been editing and content strategizing and filming videos and appearing on live news segments. It's thrilling to be so close to that exactly-where-I-want-to-be place with my work. And I cannot wait to share the details with you.
3. I have been in the midst of some pretty heavy parenting stuff. Everyone's safe and OK. But Lil E and I have been making a pretty tremendous transistion. Nothing radical, mostly a shift of the heart and community. I've needed to funnel a lot of tenderness toward him in the last month because some little moments have changed us quite a bit. More on that soon, too (I promise).
4. Oh, yeah. The Not Boyfriend's minutes away. I've been delighting in the tiny changes -- stopping by for breakfast, seeing him every Wednesday evening, having a partner to go to Steppenwolf plays with me, an Ikea trip together, spontaneous (sort of) after-school meet-ups with the kiddo. And we are still adjusting to the change and the schedules and trying to make it all work smoothly.
5. I've been reading. Because of all the heavy-duty shit happening, I've been unfolding the dog-eared pages of my favorite Pema Chodron book and going over and over the lovely wisdom in Welcome to Your Crisis. I've also been making my way slowly -- as I can steal bits of time in the tub and during Tae Kwon Do class -- through Kyran Pittman's Planting Dandelions. Kyran, who is hilarious and wears fishnet stockings and thusly making her perfect for me in those regards alone, writes this like a good friend who reveals more and more as you make your way through the book. There's a building honesty and trust as the chapters go on. And it's comforted me and made me feel like this friend, who I know only from a conference and many Twitter LOLzing, is closer.
6. I have been getting Sassafrass ready to go to college. Well, technically since she's six now, I guess that'd be closer to kindergarten or first grade (so smart!). But actually, the relaunch I am planning with a talented designer really will make Sassafrass look like a real overachiever. I am so damn excited. And yes, you know what that means -- more details later.
See? I made it. All the way down to end of one post. And now I am quite sure it will be hard for me to close up the laptop until tomorrow. But I will because I have already outlined all the conversations and confessions and revelations we will be having in the days ahead.
See you then. I promise.