What I've learned about motherhood as a single mom

Huffington Post asked me to write about the parenting lessons I've learned as a single mom, to be compiled as a part of a series for Mother's Day. I was thrilled to see it at the top of the Parents page and for all of the comments that added to the conversation (maybe not for the debate about whether or not I am really a single parent, but that's a whole other topic...to be covered over cocktails and riotous laughter). Here's the HuffPost link. What follows is the post in full. Happy Mother's Day to those who mother in all ways, and no matter what parenting status you claim. xo

If you ever leave me and turn me into a single mother, I will totally kick your ass. I was joking when I said that to my husband as I stepped into our apartment, loaded down with suitcases and a toddler and exhaustion of managing a Labor Day weekend away on my own. I’d like to say I was intuiting a fracture in our home life, or maybe that the humor was a preparation for the avalanche that would fall, not slowly. But weeks later, when my marriage was crumbled at my feet and I could no longer hold on to my son and myself and still pick up all of the pieces, I realized I was already a single mother. 

 Some friends and people who backed away steadily from it all may say that it takes leaving a marital home or finalizing a divorce to become a single parent. The term is certainly not one I wanted to claim -- I heard that in my sarcasm at the end of a long and lonely summer. But once I did, once I saw what I had to do and how quickly I needed to move to save both my son and myself from more pain, betrayal and uncertainty, I felt the earth solidify underneath us. 

That was more than five years ago, and now I have officially held the title of single parent for twice the amount of time I was a married mom. Once I left and saw the situation more clearly, that I was doing nearly all of the parenting the whole time I had a husband, it shifted how I saw single mothering. It has not been easy. Or simple. Or all bliss. But I love the family I’ve made, the home we’ve created and the kind of mother I am always becoming. 

Here are the some of the very best lessons I’ve learned, re-learned, made up, studied, been advised of and run with in the years I’ve been a single mama.

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When a kid thanks a single mom

It was my son's second big stand-up gig. The first was in kindergarten, two years ago, and he wore a flashing bow tie my dad let him borrow and used flash cards I made for him to prompt the jokes. He was an avid reader, but the symbols of a crazy deer, a frog in a blender and a talking toilet boosted his confidence and speed when he stepped out on stage in front of the grammar-school kids in the audience.

We'd prepped for weeks for that kindergarten debut, culling jokes from books and kid websites, crafting them with better punchlines and tailoring transitions for his crowd. We wrote a joke about the gym teacher, and I think that the way my son said it with a wink and smile in his intonation helped secure his spot in the school talent show.

It was a moment that lasted for weeks. My heart tha-thunked in my chest while he refined his own schtick, swallowed the nerves like a chewable vitamin and smiled to see the reaction fall all around him. 

I was crushed when the date was finalized for the talent show, set for the exact time I'd be speaking at a conference half a country away. He gave an obligatory "aww" when I told him, but skipped past it, reassured that his dad would be there and my parents would cheer him on and another mother would tape a back-up in case any family videos attempts failed. 

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Maybe it's OK for married moms to feel like single parents

credit: PacificCoastNews.com

I used to cringe when I’d read a status update or hear a married friend exclaim that she’d be a single mom for the weekend while her husband was out of town.

I’d feel frustrated at the blanket statement when (the assumption is) that the husband-father will return home with hugs and kisses and five minutes to take out the garbage and help with homework, no matter how weary or tired-eyed or crabby or wishing he was still in an office conference room or with his guy friends or tending to business in another city. I’d feel defensive about dads I know who complained about handling all the details while their wives were working or traveling or whatever, even knowing all might not be fabulous or secure or peaceful in that family situation.

You don’t get to call yourself a single parent, I’d think, if the other parent comes back and participates. 

But this all changed when the first lady slipped and called herself a single mother during a recent television interview. Here's how my thinking changed and how I am learning it's about hearing each other compassionately, not competitively. Up now on Babble.

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