Sitting not so pretty

To be honest, I don't really know where to begin. This is why I haven't been writing. This is why I've been quieter here. I've been so afraid that if I let go what is really in my head, that the words that will spill from my fingers will be dark and full of anxiety no one really wants to read.

I have this fear that if I spill it, Sassafrass will become that blog that people read (there are still people out there reading, right?) and will say, "Have you read her lately? She's so fucking depressing." And the last thing I want this corner of the internet to be is the most depressing pair of stomping pink shoes you've ever seen.

On the whole, I don't feel dark and depressing. But in this moment in time, in the last few weeks, I've been really battling fear. I am scared to death of not being in good health.

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In like a lion. Or possibly, one of those irritating, shedding cats who will not go away.

It's March now and with every day that passes in this year, I am increasingly convinced that spring will never, ever come. After some warm-up teases, miserable and gray rain, then a freeze followed by blowing snow and bitter wind, Lil E and I cursed the cold and canceled our plans to go to the park, take bike ride, do anything to get outside for a bit this weekend. That lasted one long Saturday.

We tried. We tried so hard to be entertained inside, and for the most part it worked. We did yoga, painted and ate a lot of snacks. By the time Sunday morning arrived, though, cabin fever had fully set in. And so we went back to the basics, creating a scavenger hunt of things we'd like to find on a walk -- meandering, running, whatever -- for a few blocks of breathing fresh air, expending energy and showing our true Chicagoan stuff.

My boy, in his down coat and aviator hat and Spiderman sunglasses, does bundled up Chicagoan like no other. Our walk lasted four frigid blocks and we ended up finding most of the items on our list inside our apartment once the coats were off and the boots were dripping snow by the door. That fifteen minutes breathed a little energy into the rest of our day, no matter how much I cursed the cold and doubted that snow would ever really melt.

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Never one to follow a blogging trend (at least on time), I give you a corner of my home

Do you remember -- ohhh, in the good old days, long before the irritation of the Facebook 25 things/albums/firsts/spouse secrets/mommy moments onslaught -- when "corners of my house" photosfilled up blog spaces? I loved those posts. So still and simple and serene.

At the time, I was a new blogger, a part-time writer and full-time stay-at-home mom who felt trapped in a cluttered, tiny apartment with too much stuff and the hot and cold extremes of radiator heat in a vintage building in the middle of Chicago. I wasn't unhappy. I just didn't have the inclination to share with the world a nook in my home that was piled high with talking toys (the baby's) and shoes (mine). I adored other people's pictures, though, probably for the same reason I love open houses even when I am not in the market to buy a house, love to take walks at night when the insides of homes are lit and visible from the sidewalk outside. There is something fascinating about the places where other people live, and somehow peaceful about the corners that are the calm in whatever clutter they have shoved aside to snap the picture.

I remember seeing one corner in one blogger's house (I feel certain it was by Susiej, God love her, although I can't find that post or pic at all) and having the thought that I would like to have my own beautiful little corner. I cleaned off my desk that day, rearranged the bookshelf next to it, set up a space that I could love, even if I wasn't ready to take a photo of it to post on my blog.

I thought of all of that this week as I scrambled to clean my house before a friend came over. With the music blaring and a dust rag in each hand, I thought how happy I am to have lots of sweet little spaces in my home now. There is a leather chair that I rarely sit in but reminds me that I have a spot to read in when I am ready. There is a bathtub with lots of candles where I stretch out often, and a balcony where I love to stand and watch the neighborhood that is oblivious to me perched up high.

But my favorite corner is this one.

It is the calm greeting and goodbye near the front door of our apartment, where we get ready to face the world. It is where I toss my keys, check my hair, leave reminder notes so we don't forget Lil E's babies or toys or other plastic treasures for show-and-tell on Friday. It's the space I craved back when posting these photos was the thing.

Is it a big deal? Of course not. Just a little cabinet and a round mirror. But it's my corner, there in my home and now here on my blog. Late, but uncluttered. Simple, but my own.

The "Corners of My Home" Flickr pool is here. Have you posted a corner of your home recently? What do you think? Shall we kiss off the Facebook memes and resurrect this one?

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