is a single mama in the city, super-savvy editor, writer, video host and shameless shoe whore.
My funny Valentine (and this time, it's not the child)
Sunday, February 14, 2010 Remember these good and oh-so sassy intentions? They are still top-of-mind. It's just that other thoughts are in there, too.
It was the first full day of sunshine in a week and I woke up to whispers from the trundle bed below me, "Mommmmmmy! Happy Valentine's Day!"
Lil E fell asleep last night, the sound of weekenders whizzing by in their cars late into the night. The lanai, just off the room where we are staying while we are with my parents in Florida, was shadowed by headlights, palm fronds blowing in the wild wind and the curtains that barely cover the sliding glass doors.
Just before he drifted off in the midst of all that, he leaned into my shoulder and whispered, "I am just so excited about Valentine's Day."
I love that about this boy, that the smallest details thrill him and that he anticipates every single celebration. It makes my job easy and appreciated.
Downstairs, I later sprinkled the kitchen table with candy hearts, decorated envelopes that held big, fancy cards and wrapped little gifts -- books and a magnet -- for my family. This morning, he paused to pose for photos before opening each thing with more fanfare than Christmas.
It was a lovely and tender start to a day that was, of course, also touched with moments of crabbiness and threats of toy time-outs and a nap that was too short. Still, it was a day that tugged at my heart. This amped up, tired, sensitive, talkative child was, more than any metaphor could adequately describe, lit up by the love.
It fills me up, truly. I thought about that as we put our bare feet in the sand and gulf water for the first time on this trip. And I would be dishonest if I said it was enough.
Maybe this is too selfish to admit too loudly, but I believe other single parents out there will understand. My child's love is big and, as much as I wrap myself around his small body to sing him to sleep or smother him in kisses or make him laugh, it envelopes me. There is room, though. There is room for the love of a partner. He cannot take that place. I won't let him. It's not fair to either of us.
Perhaps it is the convergence of this holiday and spending a week with my parents and feeling the emptiness where I've not had a true partner in a very, very long time and the worry that my companions will only ever be my parents and...and...and...(deep breath). Those thoughts tumbled through my head while I pieced together a heart out of shells on the sand while Lil E chased birds and my parents walked side by side at the tide line.
Is it just timing? Or is it just time for something real and viable and wonderful to make itself at home in that open space? Am I ready, really ready, for that someone?
Quite honestly (no, really), I don't need a new love just to celebrate Valentine's Day. I think I did need the realization that I am in a good place, a happy and healthy place, and that might be the cue for that partner in crime to make his entrance.
I don't expect my kid to take the place of that kind of love. He's already in for plenty of therapy and that seems like way too much pressure. I guess that also means I can't stress that my parents will be the only people standing next to me forevermore, especially since I'm already in plenty of therapy and that only adds pressure to something I can't really control.
For today, I wore the big heart ring my boy carefully picked out for me for Christmas, planted lipstick kisses he calls "the mommy mark" on his cheeks, and whispered back to him that I loved him with my whole heart. The rest, I will have to exhale and trust will meet me at the shore.
More good lovin' on Sassafrass:
That Betsey Johnson ring Lil E chose for me (similar to this one) is pretty sweet. And so is this tee my boy got me last year for Valentine's Day.
That empty space? I do still believe shoes may fill it up. At least until you have to sit down ten minutes later.
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