Friday shoegasm: The shoes that go with every costume

Why yes, Party City does have a shoe department. That is, they have a bunch of extra-whorey shoes crammed in between the rubbery-scars-and-toxic-glue kits and goth wigs that are strangely and accurately styled.

Looking over all of the skeezy costumes some women (who are these women? Not me! Noooo, never *cough* me) feel obliged to squeeze themselves into (this is not a slam on anyone's size...I am not about that. It is a slam on the nasty ass polyester that shows everyfreakingthing and is ever-ill-fitting), I have come to the conclusion that we all need a pair of poorly made shoes that can transition from costume to costume, from year to year.

And so, after much deliberation over jingle bell janky boots and something strange called "sports boots" and gangster booties I am not ashamed to say I would wear on November 1st, the winner is...

White patent thigh high boots!

Are you worried that they are a little too sexy-nurse for your sexy cop outfit? Concerned that they won't complement your Kate Gosselin wig or skankified pirate get-up? Worry not.

After all, according to the savvy stylists at Party City (who apparently need a copy editor more than I do here at Sassafrass), here's how these babies  with the 5-inch heel and stretch glossy patent material will address your dress-up dilemmas: "These boots adds more sexy to any sexy outfit, while giving your silhouette a knock out look!"

See? Solved!

No? Not going to do it for the slutty poly-frock you're going to wear? Dammit! Well, at least they are going to help me work my Princess Leia out after the trick-or-treater is sound asleep at his dad's house.

Now, does Party City make a clutch bag that can fit a light saber?

Final question: For the love of breast enhancement, who in the world would purchase these or these from Party City? I mean, unless you also have to pick up a case of tiny bubbles and orange plastic tablecloths to go along with your cutlets. Ew. Ew. Ew.