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Thank God for the passing of time: Another October 12
Monday, October 12, 2009 And so another anniversary has arrived. Seven years ago today, I married the man who is now my ex-husband. It is more than just any other day, and yet, I can write and think and talk about it with a neutrality I never dreamed I'd have.
Last year, I struggled some and found a way to acknowledge the anniversary and then do something meaningful for myself. Even then, I wasn't sure I would be in the place with it I am now. What a blessing that is.
The only person I mentioned it to was my son. Over dinner last night, I told him that this would mark the day his daddy and I got married. He got the wide-eyed look he gets when I can see he desperately wants more information and is afraid to get more information.
"Oh," he nodded, taking the tiniest of bites from a baby carrot.
"I wanted you to know," I explained, "because even though Daddy and I aren't married anymore, it's important to remember that we were madly in love and very, very happy when we did get married. And for a long, long time, which is a big part of the reason we chose to have you. That changed. But it doesn't change that we made the decision to get married because we were in love way back then."
He nodded again, took another tiny bite.
"So I just wanted to honor that. We call this an anniversary. I wanted you to know about it."
Another nod, another bite.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, lovey?" A big question was coming. I could feel it. Or at least I know it from experience in having these kinds of conversations.
"Can we look at the pictures of your marriage tomorrow?"
"You mean the wedding?" I clarified. Then I nodded. ""And the video, too, if you'd like."
"No," he said certainly. "Just the pictures. But...Mommy? It's important to remember when people DID love each other. Even if they're separate now."
"That's right," I said. He got it.
"Mommy? I'm going to marry you one day."
I smiled. We'd been through this many times as well.
"Oh honey, boys can't marry their mommies. But it is a sweet thought and I thank you for saying it. But one day, you may fall madly in love yourself and I will be there to celebrate with you just like the people I love celebrated with me."
"Mommy?" More to process. "I'm not ever getting married. Well...maybe."
"We'll see," I said. He's been on a kick about never getting married, and it saddens me even though I understand where it comes from. "It is your choice. And you can always change your mind."
"Yeah, things change." He gets that, too.
On this October 12th, there will be no roses, no cards written to myself, no phone calls to The Ex, no awful, desperate dinners. I don't need any of that this year.
I'm reminded that Pema Chodron says our hearts don't break, they break open. That hurts, she says, because it is new and raw. As painful as it once was that the vows I said on this day were severed, my life really did break open once the marriage ended. This day now marks the beginning of a moment of time, one that I don't regret having even though it is now long over.
I'm good. I am really good with it all. And what a relief to feel that. What a feeling of thankfulness to find what was there when it all opened up.
This is one of many stunning pictures snapped by the photographers on that day. They are all in a box of keepsakes I am saving for Lil E, but it does me good to see my family and grrrlfriends and loved ones all dolled up and happy together. I was pinning a corsage on my mom -- doesn't she look gorgeous? -- while my maid of honor, my brother Seth, was holding my veil for me to put on. It was a sweet moment, one that I will happily hold on to.
Reader Comments (9)
The present doesn't change the past - but it does allow us to change the future.
Lucky for us.
You sound like you're in a good place. I'm happy for you.
I'm glad you can see the good memories from that day. That means you're in a good place today.
BTW, I prefer to think of myself as your MAN of honor.