Happy birthday, beautiful boy

My sweet little bug,
Today at lunch, you crawled on my lap, wiped the ketchup from your mouth with your hand, leaned in close and whispered to me, "Am I four yet?"

Oh yes, Lil E. Today you are four. FOUR! I remember in the early days when you were snuggled in the sling, head warm and hands wrapped around my waist, that I saw a line of preschoolers holding on to a rope and singing and skipping and falling over each other and talking in that inevitable small child squeal. I brushed a bit of hair from your forehead, pulled you in closer and thought to myself what big kids those were, how much I wanted to hold tight to you as a baby while I could.

The truth is, I have loved every year, every month, every week. We've had our tough days, our trying hours, sure. But each stage has its own delight and curiosity and wonder and I have loved being witness to you talking and teetering into a walk and running and now jumping. From the day you were born, just as sunny and warm and blue-skied as today, I've been discovering who you are as you discover the world around you. As your world grows, as you grow, so do I.

I've learned to be still in the moment more with you. I've learned that giggling is good and snuggling is centering. I've learned that a nightly prayer and a morning routine and an afternoon nap are all rituals that matter. I've learned that I do not have all the answers and reconfirmed that I am not perfect. I've learned that the spirit of a person is present when they are born and gets bigger as time goes on. I've learned that I can be far more in love than I ever imagined, stronger than I ever dreamed and more protective than I would have ever thought I'd need to be.

You are busy learning to read and write and memorize dinosaur names. You are working hard at skipping and riding a bike and pushing off on your scooter. You are kind and silly and intuitive and, as your new teacher says, tell very cool stories.

This year, your life has changed and you, sweet boy, have navigated it like a little wooden boat in the water. When the waves have come, they have sometimes been overwhelming, but you have stayed afloat.

We've had tears and tough conversations, but our life and its daily-ness has continued on. Still, we have had an incredible year. And today, we had an incredible morning and afternoon. You are with your daddy now for another birthday celebration, and as much as I wish you were home with me, I am so happy you have so many people who love you so much. I know that love will guide you as you keep on in the years ahead.

I can't imagine what you will be like next year or in three years or many years beyond that, just as I couldn't that day when I saw the four-year olds pass by when you were sleeping in the sling. I'm just to busy enjoying and exhausted by and keeping up with the boy you are today.

And today, you are four.

My wish for you is that you will keep growing into yourself with the same wild abandon, same wide-eyed questioning, same crazy dances, same sense of humor and convoluted explanations, same sage intuition and shallow-breathed deep sleep. So that your spirit keeps shining, keeps taking up the entire room. So that each year, only more is possible.  So that, as your life and your world expand, you have the courage to explore it and the centeredness to return to your safe harbor here at home.

I just love you so much, Lil E. Happy, happy four!

Love,
Mama.

Comments

[Beth B.]

Happy birthday to your little bug - that was a beautiful tribute to him!