1. Apolo Anton Ohhhh-yes. Skinny? Yes. Slightly cheesey? Yes. Over-soul patched? Yes. Axel Rosed out on the headband? Of course. Making it to the finals? Indeed.
2. Joey Fatone. Yeah, you picked up a coupla steps from cross-steppin' wit JT way back. You worked it out. Now dial down the frat dick* routine a bit and you'll be aiight.
3. Ian Ziering. You've got the smile of fifth grade boy threatened by his mother to finally take a school photo she can send to grandma (only with whiter teeth). And didn't you cheat on your hottie-boombalottie supermodel wife (oh wait, that was Mario Lopez last season...or maybe Mario gave Ian the hook up at the club meeting)? But you swiveled those hips like you're gunning for the gold in that "onesie", baby. Or at least like you're gunning for my former hairdresser's station at Red Door.**
4. Laila, you may have swayed the odds pre-show in Vegas but I think you've fallen back a bit to the boys. Not to worry, though, 'cause grrrrrrrl, you made that glammy gown look bad-ass!
5. P-Double, you've been on my husband's Top Five since that Cars video with the fly. I secretly love that you referred to yourself as Bullwinkle, a likeable mix with your stunning skin, swan neck and endearing overbite. I can't help but (totally embarassing daytime admission in 3...2...1) love Leeza, but I don't think she's much competition for you with all those drooling former frat dicks (see "Joey Fatone") dialing in right now. I've purposely chosen not to mention the H-word just because of absolute boredom. Already.
Now for the DWTS buh-bye:
Shandi and Brian, puhhhhlease. Did you really squeal when that one kooky judge said you were like a living Barbie and Ken, as if that was prize enough? And enough about your collective underage hotness. Just bow and smile politely when you are kicked off this week, knowing full well you have a date already planned to see the (eeeee!) Pussycat Dolls and then break every freaking Donald Trump and a chaperone rule in the Miss USA book with a disappointingly short "first dance" in Brian's Mustang.
John Ratzenberger, don't think you've got the luck of the Springer on your side. And when you do go, my strange friend, I will be happy to relive the night you chatted my friends and I up in a bar near Rush Street. What makes me laugh is that I am pretty sure Edyta rolls her eyes at your lines, too.
*Some of my best friends are frat dicks...so shut up. Bruce is totally a
former reformed frat dick and has given me full and free consent to use this term to the fullest of its lovely connotations.
**I'm not judgin', I'm just sayin'.
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