Friday shoegasm: The shoes that go with every costume

Why yes, Party City does have a shoe department. That is, they have a bunch of extra-whorey shoes crammed in between the rubbery-scars-and-toxic-glue kits and goth wigs that are strangely and accurately styled.

Looking over all of the skeezy costumes some women (who are these women? Not me! Noooo, never *cough* me) feel obliged to squeeze themselves into (this is not a slam on anyone's size...I am not about that. It is a slam on the nasty ass polyester that shows everyfreakingthing and is ever-ill-fitting), I have come to the conclusion that we all need a pair of poorly made shoes that can transition from costume to costume, from year to year.

And so, after much deliberation over jingle bell janky boots and something strange called "sports boots" and gangster booties I am not ashamed to say I would wear on November 1st, the winner is...

White patent thigh high boots!

Are you worried that they are a little too sexy-nurse for your sexy cop outfit? Concerned that they won't complement your Kate Gosselin wig or skankified pirate get-up? Worry not.

After all, according to the savvy stylists at Party City (who apparently need a copy editor more than I do here at Sassafrass), here's how these babies  with the 5-inch heel and stretch glossy patent material will address your dress-up dilemmas: "These boots adds more sexy to any sexy outfit, while giving your silhouette a knock out look!"

See? Solved!

No? Not going to do it for the slutty poly-frock you're going to wear? Dammit! Well, at least they are going to help me work my Princess Leia out after the trick-or-treater is sound asleep at his dad's house.

Now, does Party City make a clutch bag that can fit a light saber?

Final question: For the love of breast enhancement, who in the world would purchase these or these from Party City? I mean, unless you also have to pick up a case of tiny bubbles and orange plastic tablecloths to go along with your cutlets. Ew. Ew. Ew.

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Carved

Let us not delve into the psychological indicators present when a small child creates a story of a family out of a table full of pumpkins and then gleefully demands them to be disemboweled and carved into scary and shocked faces. We will just stick with the happy, safe "being a kid!" theory and enjoy the craftswomanship of these free-handed jack-o-lanterns.

This year's pumpkins are not as fancy as last year's but they were a lot more fun to create. We also got wiser and propped them up on a window sill on the inside so that they simply mock the ravenous squirrels rather than becoming their soggy lunch.

I bought cheesy red, flashing lights to go inside and Lil E was delighted into silence when we went outside and watched them flicker down at us from our second story apartment.

He doesn't think our place is decorated scary enough and for weeks he's been begging me to buy styrofoam tombstones and life-size Frankenstein dolls and inflatable ghosts. That all sifted out when he saw the drawing of the spooky face he wanted, that he thought would scare "even my daddy when he comes to get me," come to life in eerie red light flickering from his white pumpkin.

He asked me to pose with his pumpkin, and to "be really, really scared of it." (Yes, I realize I resemble my pumpkin a little too much.)

Of course, the whole night was capped off with taking a picture of ourselves, silly, slimy and just scary enough for Halloween in our house.

In case you haven't already cooked up and devoured the eleven pumpkin seeds you salvaged from your kids' pumpkins, here's the closest I will ever get to sharing a recipe on this blog: How to make toasted pumpkin seeds in 18 complicated and disgusting steps.

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Lil E explains: The giant, bulbous circle of life

First, there is the Mommy Pumpkin. She is smooth and orange and tall.

 

There is a Daddy Pumpkin, too. He is white and...like, sort of smaller.

 

The Mommy Pumpkin was pregnant and then...LA! LA!...she had some babies. They were sooooooo cute. Aren't they the cutest little pumpkin babies? [Pictured here with and looking a lot like Daddy Pumpkin, an injustice to be explored in gourd therapy for years to come.]

 

OH! They also had other children. They were sort of bigger. And one was rotten. Remember, I just stuck my finger in it accidentally and had to wash my hands? It was disgusting. And it was stinky. It smelled so gross! So we put it on the porch for the squirrels to eat. The squirrels are going to eat the children...HAHAHAHA! [This shall be explored in real person therapy that will likely be funded by me.]

 

These are other pumpkin babies. I don't know where they go. They live on those acorns and pine cones. They are funny. I like the bumpy one best.

 

This is the whooooooooole pumpkin family. Mommy, Daddy, children, and babies. Everybody's together on Halloween. Aren't they a sweet family?

OK, let's carve them!

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