It's about time

I have a stack of folders next to my desk. The one that always sits on top is labeled in bold, black marker: SASSAFRASS BLOGSPIRATION. It is packed full of articles, cards, notes scrawled on Post-Its at 2 a.m., pictures torn from magazines, anything that will sparks an idea, that makes me want to put my fingers to the keyboard.

If only there was a folder marked TIME * ENERGY * ATTENTION that was just as full. This blog would much more space on the interwebs than this little corner.

Sometimes, though, life demands more of us than we can give. In the past, I've been very good at ramping up my speed, going a million miles an hour, my brain on fast forward and my fingers flying just to get everything done. Things are different now. I am trying trying trying to slow down, refocus, breathe instead of overwork, under-eat, rest less. Making the choice to let my blog be quiet for a week is not easy. I don't really want to make that choice. But more and more, I am getting that even the tapping of keys or taking a half-hour to put a thought out there is too much when my thoughts need to settle.

Last week, life handed me lot to deal with in a matter of only a few days. There was upheaval in three significant relationships in my life. There was some yelling, there were some tears and there was one ending. When I called Lulu, one of my very best friends, to tell her about what was happening, she said to me, "There is upheaval in three of your biggest relationships? But you sound so calm."

And I was. I felt pain. I ached with worry until one of my grrrlfriends and I worked out some big stuff between us. I was reeling when The Ex had another outburst and I felt the anger and fear swell up in me after I hung up the phone. Even in those storms, I felt my shoulders drop, my mind clear and a sense of peace fill me up after I exhaled.

I felt strongly that I could not move forward at a furious pace to keep that calm going. And so I slowed down. I let things fall off my to-do list. I opted out of plans I made weeks earlier. I simplified my schedule. When I felt the anxiousness or sadness swell up, I told myself that it was just fine to feel those things and also feel centered and still.

Opening up my mind and my schedule meant that I had the TIME * ENERGY * ATTENTION to give to some tasks that I really wanted to complete, that felt cathartic to do. I finally sent out my holiday New Year's cards. I cleaned out six unpacked boxes that have lived next to my desk for two years since I moved in to this place. I firmed up some details for an incredible and much-needed get-away to Florida we will be taking soon. I read...on real pages, not a screen. I ran and ran and ran again.

So why was I doing things when I said I needed to do less to cope with the stress? I did little things that had been weighing me down but didn't require much brainpower, didn't tax me too much, and felt freeing to finish. Then I outsourced the tasks that needed to be completed but I felt would add stress to an already amped-up time. I ordered groceries online, had a cleaning lady spend a half-day making my apartment beautiful and more sparkly than I ever thought it could be, and when my mom offered to help me put together a menu for a dinner party I was hosting, I took her up on it.

I was strategic about what I let slide and how still I wanted to be or at least feel. And it worked. I came to a good place in each of those relationships where there was upheaval and I did that on my own. It made a difference to resolve the issues with my grrrlfriend and I think I was ready to do that because I carried peace into the conversation before I even answered her phone call.

I'm learning, slowly and surely, to welcome the stillness, to stop doing some things and savor doing others, to see that there is a time and place for all those tasks and feelings and strategies and speeds. 

I took care of myself. That made the time away from here worth it.  It makes returning all the sweeter and I know that if I start getting judgy or frantic with myself over how I used my time last week...hey, at least those damn cards are in the mail.

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Friday shoegasm: More purple impracticalities

Ohhhh, how I've missed my Friday shoegasms. It's not that they've stopped at my house. It's just that I've just been selfishly hoarding (or would that be whoreding in this case?) all to myself for weeks.

Confession: I buy shoes to make me feel better. Especially when I am stressed. Is this healthy? Probably not.

In fact, once a professor of mine told me that I might want to seek therapy for my retail dependency issues. Clearly, she was not aware of the long list of other issues I took into therapy every week that had took precedence over me stopping in the fancy lady shop  in between classes to visit a pair of granny boots I coveted back then. Perhaps I don't need to give the typical addict rationalization that she happened to be a very butch Women Studies professor who was quite happy in a pair of soft-soled men's dress shoes (which she pulled off brilliantly, mind you), and at the time I was spending approximately $11 on each pair of glorious shoe stress relievers, but I feel just as defensive about it all now as I did then. 

Maybe I don't need to type aloud that I can put on an outfit for the 400th time in a row, but feel like a brand new grrrl if I am wearing a new pair of shoes with it. It is very possible that I am exactly where the prof said I was all those years ago -- hobbling slowly toward a Peep Toe Anonymous meeting  in some ridiculously adorable shoes heels that are actively stripping away the ball of my foot with every step I take (wait...that's not what PTA stands for?) -- but sometimes the tension emanating from my laptop truly does dissipate, if only momentarily, if I look down and see an amazing pair of buttery leather boots stretched out beyond my knees. 

Why do I tell you all this now? Because I've been under a bit of stress lately. Although I've been running off as much of it as I can, I've felt the twinge to add a few pairs to the collection that spills from my closet to a shoe rack on my door to piles of boxes on my bedroom floor.

I haven't clicked PURCHASE on the shoes that have been privately giving me thrills over the past few weeks -- not yet at least. But I have been clicking on their bookmarked pages over and over again, trying to find justification for events that call for these specific shoes. Really, though, I think I may just want a respite from the stress, the insane schedules, the snow. A pretty, pretty respite.

If it is true that buying something you love can ease your burdens, then I am quite sure these purple suede Mary Janes with sweet little teardrop cutouts and pa-dow platforms will do the trick. You already know that I have a thing for purple suede, so not practical in Chicago (just curious...who in the world decided we should combine a winter fabric with half the foot hanging out?) but still so tempting.

They are not a million dollars but they would not be worn often. They would require some upkeep and careful sidestepping around slush puddles and my after-holidays budget, but they might just become a lovely little investment in my sanity and de-stressing.

Right? Raise your hand (for just a quick sec so you can get back to buckling your own tiny straps) if you care to co-dependently contribute to my habit. I mean happiness.

Seriously, do it. Do it now.

These babies are by Nine West and on sale now at Piperlime for just under 70 bucks, just under 40 if you are desirous of black suede.

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And the winner is...

Back in 1962, I hosted a fabulous and glittery giveaway for LOFT here on my review blog, Sassafrass Says So.

And now..finally, finally, 48 years later, it is time to announce who the lucky person is who can swathe herself (or hey, himself...it's all good around here) in sequins or slouchy denim or even buttery leather.

Want to know who the lucky reader is who won a shopping spree of her (or his? hmmm...) own at LOFT? Click on over, offer up your congrats and find out which complete look I took home. (Yes, now.)

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