Jessica Ashley facebook twitter babble voices pinterest is a single mama in the city, super-savvy editor, writer, video host and shameless shoe whore.
read more »
Mama Needs New Shoes
Subscribe to Sassafrass by RSS or Email
Follow by RSS feed

OR

Follow by email to have Sassafrass' blog updates delivered to your inbox:

Mama Likey

This area does not yet contain any content.
Search Sassafrass
Tuesday
Nov092010

Postcards from the past: Five winters ago

Marshallfields2 There was a lot going on that winter. It was 2005. Marshall Field's on State Street was turning over to Macy's. We were broke and it was a very cold and snowy few months. Lil E had just celebrated his first birthday and I kept a list of words that he said in the notebook where we once meticulously tracked times he nursed and napped. He crawled freely in our tiny apartment, made even more cramped by clutter and scrapbooking supplies. I was working hard for too little money teaching art classes to young children. I was in love with this tiny child, trying my very best to make being a stay-at-home parent as bright and happy and creative and fun as it could be. In many ways, I was very happy. Still, I was restless, had a nagging discontentment, wanting something more, something for myself.

What I didn't know then was that my first blogging job, which then led to my very first blog posts and this blog, was just around the corner on that year. I'd been trying so hard to find my way, exploring seminary and getting a PhD. to become an art therapist. I'd been home with Lil E his whole life and before that, had been chronically unemployed, miserable as a consultant, and freelancing my way through all kinds of here-and-there work. I felt like my career had been swallowed up by circumstance. But I used this photo in my application for a blind ad seeking parent writers that pushed me down a path that has become my profession and has survived a marriage, several moves, all those notebooks of baby schedule scribbles, and many more changes.

When I see this photo -- blurry and bundled up -- it reminds me of how elated it made me to have this family, to celebrate the holidays, to be able to momentarily set aside money issues and bitter cold weather and the exhaustion of a baby to be a part of the moment and the city.

I see how tightly I am holding on to my boy. I see hope's soft edge on all that is hard about the time.

I think to that woman, "Keep holding on. So much is coming. More than you can imagine is on its way to you."

 

Click to read more ...

Sunday
Nov072010

And I went

15krunnergirl The Sharpie-markered runner grrrl that Lil E drew on my arm is fading but the stiff hip flexor, tight quads, and swell of pride are still very present. I did it. I finished the 15K.

It was hard and I took more little walking breaks than I would have allowed myself to had I not still been nauseous and tired from a tough week. I made a promise to myself (and was reminded by a friend on Facebook...thank you, Rich) to be self-aware, to do this event for me, my way. So this time, that meant walking a few minutes when I needed to. But I also ran more than I expected and that felt just as good as listening to my challenged body.

Thank God Danielle was beside me. She cheered me on, distracted me, gave me tips and then just slowed  down and sped up as I asked. She was phenomenal. As we ran quietly for a few moments, Danielle's 80s tunes playing in her earbud and my lady-rap blasting in mine, I thought about this post that I wrote this week. It's about how obesity can be "contagious" among friends and I challenged readers to take a very honest inventory of the people they spend time with and whether they are promoters of wellness on many levels. I looked at Danielle, waving her hand in the air and mouthing some lyrics, and I looked out at the lake and the skyline and the people cheering scattered around us and I felt very lucky to have so many friends who encourage me to be healthier, happier, freer, more empowered and to get my ass across the finish line.

15k
[Just before the start. Why, yes, I am wearing my dad's Air Jordan sweatshirt. He gave it to me so I could stay warm in something to toss off to the side. Although discarded clothing is donated to charity, I kind of hating saying goodbye to this awesome dad-relic.]

I thought of my parents with their cowbells and pom pons and yelling and holding up Lil E's signs just to catch a 30-second glimpse of us. I thought of the many comments and emails that reminded me of my strength.

Maybe that's when the emotion of it all set in. Although running with 30,000 other people is certainly distracting to spandex proportions and although we were pretty set on beating a group of middle-aged power-walking ladies dressed like yellow highlighters, it all still got to me. That I was there on that path, that I was running after a year of setbacks, that I was really doing it.

May-June 2010 2119

I told myself to just run, just run, just keep running. I released the thoughts from my head with all the meditation skills I could muster. I focused on the path, the man in front of me, the green sign ahead, the beat of the song. But as I worked harder, I sweat more and I reached down to pull up my sleeve and I saw that runner girl on one arm, the words "GO MOMMY GO" peeking out on the other. I thought of Lil E, waiting to run the last few blocks to the finish with me (he thought it was a mile and I let him believe that) in his warm hat and gloves and big orange, down coat.

And that's when I started to hyperventilate. At first, I was just pushing back the tears. Then, I was gasping and wheezing and trying to run anyway. It was not pretty.

15kfinish [At the finish. Squinty, sweaty, stinky.]

But it didn't matter. I finished hyperventilating, with LIl E between Danielle and me. He told me he was so proud of me, said he loved me many times, squeezed my hand tight as we landed over the line.It overwhelmed me that he shared the moment, but the event was completely, shamelessly all for me.

"I told you to 'GO MOMMY GO!'" he said in the car on the way home. "AND YOU WENT!"

I ran two miles farther than I've ever run. I made it through my first running event. Those tears I hyperventilated away were close to falling for hours and hours. Long after the icing and soaking in a Epsom salt bath and relishing every sip of a beer, my spirit soared.

I am wholly exhausted, even still. But I can't stop thinking...if I ran almost 9-1/2 miles, surely I can run a half-marathon.

 

Click to read more ...

Friday
Nov052010

This made me a little weepy. But mostly proud

Gomommygo This will be quick. I have a body ravaged by the pukey flu this week that needs healing, hydrating and sleep. I have an anxious mind on fast-forward that needs to be soothed by placing my cold-weather running gear, clothes, water bottle and magic electrolyte beans all in a row to slip on while it's still dark in the morning. I have to foam roller my hip, stretch my calves, sync the final version of my playlist. Good Lord, I have to relax a little.

Tomorrow morning is the big 15K. I am thrilled. I am nervous as hell. I am saying little prayers.

But the people all around me -- my parents, Lil E, the now-near-pro Foodmomiac running with me, and even this guy from afar -- are filling my bucket with confident cheers.

I will let you know how I do, whether running, walking or crawling close-enough-to double digit miles. For now, I had to share this moment, a sign Lil E made. Once upon a time, when we cheered his dad from the sidelines of events, I felt contented in the "GO DADDY GO!"s. I dared not dream one of those signs would ever be waved for me.

Oh, life, with your winding path through rocky places and valleys and sliding right on over to Lake Shore Drive -- you are funny and unpredictable and wonderful. And I am so grateful.

Fingers crossed. Head up. Feet forward. This is a moment.

Gomommy3
Here's me. He says I run fiercely, which I like. He says my running shoes are fancy, which I also like. And look! That's a group of hearts in the crowd (annnnnd strangely close my ummm, running skirt) giving me the big woo-hoo!

Gomommy2
Even a dead guy is confident I will make it. Thanks, zombie fan!

Gomommy4
Lil E, a projected self-portrait, from the sidelines.

 

Gomommy5
GO! DANIELLE! AND! JESSICA!

Click to read more ...