Jessica Ashley facebook twitter babble voices pinterest is a single mama in the city, super-savvy editor, writer, video host and shameless shoe whore.
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Monday
Apr302012

Closing up the little kitchen

IMG_1626I put the little kitchen away. I was sad to lug it, what felt like a hundred pounds of solid wood and plastic food clanking around in the cabinets, down the stairs to the storage space in the basement.

We have a three-room storage space, obscenely large and packed-full of the last apartment. I promised Lil E more than a year ago that as I cleaned out, we'd make space for a play area down there. We'd make a corner where his plastic tools and workbench would be set up, where all those stuffed animals and little cars we cleaned out of his bedroom could be displayed, loved and held on to rather than sold or trashed for good. I swore that knowing that the play area would probably never be set up, and even if it was, the toys would not be touched down there either. It was more of a strategic way to purge a messy boy-room rather than a promise. Instead, it is all piled down there among wedding china, grad school text books, bins and bins of baby clothes. It's our old life, absorbing a musty smell and dust the more time goes by.

Now the little kitchen lives down there, too. It is the one toy that makes me sad to leave abandoned near the laundry and my bike with two flat tires and a flower basket.

Santa delivered that kitchen three Christmases ago. And the littlest elf's grandpa and mommy spent six hours using incomprehensibly tiny Allen wrenches to secure each shelf and burner into place. It was the first Christmas in our own place and an exhausting joy to be the parent in charge of such a big and laborious gift. 

It was a hit, right down to the baker's hat and apron. No one has played with there for quite some time. While I loved the shiny red lacquer, the kitschy style, the way kids couldn't help but answer the little phone every time they passed it when we had parties and playdates, it was well past the time to close up the little kitchen.

Minutes before the cleaning lady arrived to prep for my birthday party, I hoisted it up partially on my shoulder, rested the refrigerator against one thigh and hobbled down three flights of stairs to the dark corner where animal-sound puzzles and Tonka trucks live. I've been used to climbing over kid stuff since I first brought home the vibrating bouncy seat, stored the stroller on a one-person-sized landing and pushed the dining room table aside for that crazy-loud-spinny saucer seat babies adore and parents abhor. But that day, the kitchen seemed really in the way.  We didn't need to step around it, no more Legos needed to live on top of it, anymore. That kitchen had outgrown us.

Lil E didn't even notice how big the hallway looks now that it is gone, hasn't once let out an "aww" that the half-doen tiny wooden eggs will stay cool below ground from now on. But I miss it. And that kid who whisked up air pancake batter and called for take-out on the fake phone.

That chef is retired, I guess. He's moved on to Power Rangers and squishy little robots and zombie games that suck the life out of my phone. He's bigger, toys are smaller, and there's no need for a hundred-pound miniature kitchen in the hallway anymore.

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Friday
Apr272012

Meeting of the men

Today, I fly to see my love.

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The early-ish days, hiking 

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New Year's Eve, not quite 2012

 

And my brother who happens to live 20 minutes from where the Not Boyfriend is in training.

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1979

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Last summer at the zoo


And my sweet nephew.

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Earlier this year, clearly loving me best of all


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Last weekend, waiting patiently to share his cake with me

 

And they will all meet for the very first time.

Ohhh, how will this go? How will I divvy up all those hugs? I'm selfish about my time and squeezes with all three of them.

 

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Last summer


Lil E's not happy with me for going while he is at his dad's house for the weekend, not pleased this will all happen without him. 

"What do you think Uncle Seth and the Not Boyfriend will think of each other?" I asked this to distract him from his disappointment.

"Well, they both have glasses," he reasoned. "And they both are smart."

"Yes," I answered, expecting more. "There's that."

And that's all there is. Until I touch down and run out to see these guys, waiting for me in the humidity and sunshine.


So I guess that's exactly where we'll begin.

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Thursday
Apr262012

Crossing borders

My passport expired eight years ago. How in the world did that happen?

IMG_1678It happened because of grad school and having $20 in my bank account for several years in a row and then meeting someone and being in love and even more broke, then having a baby and not being able to conceptualize how in the world to get us all somewhere anything other than a drivers license might be needed. These would have all horrified the 22-year old who applied for her first passport just in time to backpack across Europe with her best friend after college graduation. My passport was supposed to be a living, breathing document of all I was learning and doing and seeing on my own, all of my big and humbling experiences. 

But then, I also swore my hostel card would be used many, many more times after that trip. I haven't since slept in one of those foldover sheets on a disgusting mattress in a room full of people I hope don't steal that passport off my body in my fitful sleep. I haven't ever again bought a beer from a vending machine in a hostel lobby or thanked goodness I was eligible for the under-26 places to stay.

My world, on that European trip, exploded. And when I went to graduate school, it got bigger still. And maybe when I met my ex-husband, it zeroed in on him. It shrunk for good reasons of happiness and faith and belief in the expansiveness of love. I wanted an enormous life. I just didn't see at the time how small I was making myself in it.

But that has changed. Last month, I asked my parents to dig out my old passport from my file. I was apprehensive to open it, remembering it hadn't actually been stamped in each country whose borders I crossed, and that I hated the picture, taken in haste to get the application downtown in time. 

It was as bad as I thought. But now that I am 40 and will be dyeing my hair monthly until I am a fire-engine-redhead wheeling through the nursing home, I have a hard time judging that lady too harshly for the moussed up layered bob. And God help any of us who were hitting our stride in the early 90s -- please don't make your mind up about me based on that embroidered vest (with a tank top and most likely, an ankle-lenth wrap skirt with granny boots. 

But the boozy look and Lucky Charms cheeks? Go right ahead and snicker at those. I did. Good lawd.

That year was 1994. And now, 18 years later, I've surrendered the whole passport for something new. It's time to cross into new territory.

This time, I am taking a trip with two girlfriends. This trip, we're celebrating being 40. Our tolerance is lower and there won't be hostels or late-night lingering with men with accents from those hostels. There won't be hiking across ancient cities and -- thank you, Jesus -- I will be rolling my suitcase instead of heaving it on my back. 

No mix-tapes and Walkmen to make the transport there go more quickly. Nary a sleeping bag. No strategy about how to see the world on $50 a day.

This trip I am rushing off to will only involve settling into beach chairs in the sand and lingering over dinner, laughing hard about how happy we are to be where we are in our lives. Oh, and People Magazine. We will be laughing over whatever is in People Magazine. 

You know what will be the same, though? My new passport pictures are terrible, too. 

This time, I care even less. This time, I probably won't get stamped. This trip, I will probably come home sunburned and loaded down in cheapy souvenirs rather than inspired to change the world and tour every single castle in Ireland. No vests with tank tops, either. I promise.

I am just so ready to get back out there again. To show that girl that this way of traveling, all this time in between passports, isn't so tragic after all.

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