Someone Else's Words Wednesday: True (and also hard not to hum to the tune of "He's Got the Whole World" )

Be content with what you have;

rejoice in the way things are.

When you realize there is nothing lacking,

the whole world belongs to you.

~Lao Tzu, with thanks to our most-awesome DJ/yoga/Star Wars-y babysitter Maggie for reminding me of the words I needed to hear most today.

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Friday Shoegasm: 7 summer nudes just for you

Don't fret, friends. Just because I haven't written about shoes in a while doesn't mean I haven't been stomping all over this city (and others). I'm trying (trying, trying) not to make too many shoe purchases this summer, especially in adding yet another pair of black patent peep toe platforms to the collection. That means I am really putting some miles (ok, minutes, let's be honest...no one is walking very far in these bad grrrls) on the shoes that I have. It also means that I chose to invest in some cobbling to get one more season out of my favorite wedge sandals from last summer and that I gave some good thought to the pairs I did purchase (that is, well past the "OH! On sale! And in my size!" five-second process).

Here are one new pair of lovelies I'm wearing often in the warm weather -- nude patent peep toes with bow embellishment by Unisa.

I've tried on many, many pairs of nude pumps over the years (why does that sound so dirty?) and have always talked myself out of buying them because I don't require very many pairs of professional heels since I work from home and the FedEx guy is not nearly as impressed with my get-ups as I'd like him to be. Still, the draw of beautiful nude-colored heels is that they are sleek, sexy and still look put-together. Perhaps it is that the color is just a few shades darker than my freakishly pale...I mean, porcelain skin, but the barely-there-ness of nude heels continually lures me in. Plus, they elongate they leg and class up all kinds of hookerish outfits.

When I bought a bright pink dress to wear to a wedding and then found another black and nude jersey dress to add to the closet full of "in case I ever go to..." wears, I felt I finally could justify making a pair of nude heels my own. I was seeking a pair of Cole Haans I spotted at Marshall's months ago (I know, laughable), but I found these by Unisa, and I think I fall a little more in love with them every time I wear them.

I turned a simple black shift dress (similar to this one) into an on-air outfit I will be very happy to wear on a TV segment next week by adding these shoes, a coordinating patent leather skinny belt I got on a fabulous J. Crew clearance, and then wrapping a necklace (also clearance, this time from Target) full of big beads in many flesh tones around my wrist to make a bauble-y bracelet.  Three little details  that stared with the shoes took the shift dress from simple and pretty to professional and even prettier.

I've hunted online and can't find this particular style by Unisa anywhere (sorry, sweets, that is the nature of the discount store beast). But nude heels (hello, Louboutin) are all over and I do highly recommend inviting a pair into your closet. These six are all stellar choices in the Sassafrass book of flesh/taupe/bone/natural/neutral footwear.

These adorned peep toes would be perfect with your favorite party dress. Champagne by Nina, on sale for $59.99 on Piperlime. (Also check out this much-simplified, much-more-manageable pair on Target.com at a steal for those with pared-down tastes, $22.99)

Pair these with a pencil skirt, sexy summer top and those fabulous white linen pants that fit you like a glove, or to give a little understated sexpot look to your Sunday best. They are by RSVP Freida in bone (shush it) are $84 on Zappos.

Get your (ahem) nude in a bootie from Target (Target!) for just under 70 bones (I can't help myself). I adore the laser-cut rosettes. I'd pair them with my very best good-ass jeans and a simple boobalicious tee. These will take you into fall, past the dreaded "no more white after Labor Day" ridiculousness.

If you need to keep your look a little more buttoned-up, you can still go for the nude look. The bow detail makes these 3-1/2 inch-heel pump a sassier version of your best "I'm giving a preso to the big bosses" work shoes. $78 on Zappos, you simply have to order these because they are the BooBoo style by Nine West.

Keep it a bit more casual with these wedges (oh, how I love wedges) by Steve Madden (oh, how I love Steve Madden). If you can rock the super-short shorts (and more power to you if you can), these will keep your fabulous gams looking even longer. Wear these with your maxi dress and skip the hemming. Or just put them on with every single summer outfit you own -- they will probably look adorable every damn day. Just be prepared to scrub that canvas clean. $78 on Zappos.

I rarely choose flats for myself, but even I'm contemplating this beautifully embellished pair clearly created for a princessa. They're certainly not simple and would dress up your everyday uni of a tee and A-line skirt or stay on while you flail around the dance floor at a summer wedding. Gisenna flats by Chinese Laundry are on DSW.com for just under $50.

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I got Binged

Let's just begin this all with the acknowledgment -- and do feel free to nod along with me, kittens -- that it's going to take some major revolution on the isle of internets for our collective search vernacular to go from "Google it" and "Google that" and plain old "Googled" to...well, anything else.

And no matter how hard the marketing machine is cranking away, making silkscreened t-shirts of whomever is the El Che of this particular upheaval, handing out artillery to the common folk and stocking away canned goods in the secret shelter any remaining desktop computer towers, Bing is just not going to overturn the Big G.

I don't care how many times Rachael Zoe slurs out, "Oh my gawwwd, weird plastic surgery hairline husband, let's Bing Chinese restaurants and order food I won't even allow myself to smell and can't see over this dead polar bear vest I'm wearrrrrinng" or some unrecognizable booby grrrl from "The Hills" says, "BING IT!" and slaps a high-five to some other unrecognizable booby grrrl with a DUI. It's not going to happen.

Here's how I know this.

People find Sassafrass in kinds of crazy ways. Yes, speaking with my father in the dentist office waiting room is, in fact, one of them. So are searches. I've been Googled (see? there we go, all comfy and whatnot) through a search for "Britney's vajayjay" (do note that her vajayjay does not live on this site but it does visit occasionally, especially if I promise to serve up some of my famous Gin and Redbull Muffins).

I've been Yahooed (see? not so much) through a search of "big lady fucking tv", which I don't entirely get but am receptive to given a few of those Gin and Redbull Muffins.

There have been all kinds of crazy searches that have led other single moms, shameless shoe whores, porn afficianados and many a wackadoodle to my humble blog. I don't really care how people fall into this trap, so long as they stay and say my kid is hilarious, my shoes are cute and then click around a lot so I can buy a VENTI latte this month with my ad earnings instead of a regular old grande. All are welcome.

Today, however, my search engine got revved a little differently for the first time. That's right. I got Binged.

And here is the Bing brilliance that brought some lovely individual over to Sassafrass.

show me teense haven sex

Go ahead, read it again. It's good stuff but it might take some time to digest. (This is real, y'all. Here's the proof.)

At first, I assumed my Mensa-ness/sordid past of working too many Word Jumble puzzles was kicking in as my brain automatically computed "show me TEENS HAVING sex."

And truly, that is a valid thing to search for. Especially if you are a teen. Most definitely if you are a teen who is NOT having sex. One-thousand percent if you are teen who is trying to convince his stubborn girlfriend what a good idea it would be give that whole thing a try, even for just like ten seconds.

But at second glance, I wondered if this is what this (gratefully, for all of us) anonymous searcher was truly seeking. 

Could it have been a quest for TEENSE, as in just a tiny itty bit tip of havin' sex?

Or was it possibly the journey toward something more divine, perhaps the golden chalice of HAVEN sex?

Is TEENSE someone on "Real World" I am too old to know about? Someone friend of Brody's hiding in Speidi's flesh beard or size-H cleavage?

Is there any way some kid named Teense is God-like in his or her fornicatory stylings?

And for the love of tech savvy, who let someone log on to a computer who feels the need to command an infantile search engine to show them something? Isn't that implied? Or must Bing be dominated even by the foot soldiers who apparently cannot even figure out how to spell the name of the underage person they are preying upon in their spelling challenged hunt for a Miley Cyrus sex tape?

Finally, could he or she have believed that Bing was somehow part of the search deal? Like, maybe in a "I'm gonna Bing the crap out of some teense one of these days" or "I can't wait to get my license so I can drive outta this hell hole of a town and find some real havenly teense to Bing"?

Whatever it is, I don't get it. I only know that it let that sucker-fool to a blog filled with shoes and boob talk that I am pretty sure is at the opposite end of the search spectrum he or she hoped to find.

Regardless, welcome, bad spelling Binger!  Please, feel free to read about my divorce and dinosaurs and other shit that will hopefully bore you out of ever turning on your computer ever ever ever again.

But if you do, take a little break from pondering how the RAM your computer science teacher keeps talking about fits into this whole complicated puzzle to consider for a moment what -- or who! -- you might have found had you only chosen to Google that gem of a phrase.

Just sayen.

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