alone v. lonely bullshit

In the last three years, I've gotten a lot of advice on getting divorced, dating, even marriage. Some of that advice, I've paid several hundred dollars an hour for, pulled out of a retainer to my attorney. Some of that advice has required a co-pay made out to my therapist. Lots of it come from my parents, both solicited and unsolicited. And a good helping has come from my friends.

I am amazed at what I have heard about dating, or at least how I've dated, from people around me. Mostly, the words are offered with the best of intentions. But sometimes the bites, the judgment, the projection is hard to hear. I know that most people in my circles don't get what this life is like. I know that some of them are still reconciling that I am not who I was three years ago, or even one year ago. I know that we've all been single at some point and that experience can continue very close, even if we've been married or partnered for years.

Still, when the advice is about how I should not date at all, I am astounded. There have been specific gems offered to me that have stood out, not for their clarity or brilliance, but because they felt so wrong placed upon me. It is the small sentiments tucked into questions and thrown around playfully that stay with me longer, dig in deeper.

I think the assumption that people -- scratch that, women -- need to be alone after they end a relationship is craziness. We don't expect this of men. We'd dare not tell a man he needs to go solo for a certain amount of time after a break-up. However, we continue to tell women that the only way to be healthy on the other other side of an ending is to be celibate, home, quiet and internal.

Of course, there is a time to be all of those things, to sort through the pain, to get OK with being a house by yourself, to not feel the need for a companion to validate you or fill your time. That comes. Every person reaches that point on their own timeline. Everyone must make their way to the calm and still on their own terms. No one else can say when exactly that should be or how that period should go or that it should happen immediately.

Leaving a relationship is a release. It can be painful, it may feel freeing, it can be dramatic, it could be the most exhausting thing you've ever done. If settling in helps soothe the break-up, then that is wonderful. But if finding a way to let go,

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Friday Shoegasm: Reminders for every good Shoe Whore at BlogHer

BlogHer is quickly approaching (holy laundry! business cards! blog renovations!) and if you are anything like me, lovelies, you're more worried about how many pairs of 5-inchers you can pack in your suitcase than what sessions you'll be attending.

Not that the sessions aren't (ahem) important! Of course, they are. They are the chance to slip off those 5-inchers and prop your feet up on a friend or random commenter or unsuspecting lady eating a croissant in the chair next to you.

I love seeing so many of my favorite women crammed into one cocktail party and pulling each other's hair for some vegetable scrubber swag. And so clearly, I want to look fabulous walking from my hotel room to wherever the coffee is and into the wrong suite for one more session on monetization. It's just the pacing, running for a drink and standing for hours that's the killer in the oh-so pretty peep toes.

Last year, I wrote these 7 steps to taking care of your tootsies (and heels and arches and inevitable blisters) whilst at BlogHer. The venue has changed but the advice hasn't.

Read up, chickens. Then run out and stock up on cheap band-aids and cushy inserts. Put some flip-flops in your handbag, give my tips one more once-over and you'll be good to go.

I promise.

And if you need some sympathy for your numb third toe or a compliment on your killer shoes, find me. You'll know me by my completely clompy ruffle clog-heel sandals by Fergie (uh-hmm, Fergie, pictured above).

What shoes will you be wearing to BlogHer? Link it up, lovelies!

Need cash 4 shooz? I'm giving away a $100 Visa gift card -- think of the delicious shoes that could buy you! Click on over for my easy, peasy Lilith Fair contest that's running through August 4th.

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Oh, Lilith. You did good by us.

If you equate Lilith Fair with beaded chokers and floral babydoll dresses...Ok, well, you're not entirely out of date. Lil E and I went to Lilith a few weeks ago and there was definitely some of that business lurking in the crowds.

There was also $6 Vitamin Waters, kickass footwear, lots of rocking out, and questions directed at Sarah McLachlan.

Oh yes, you read right. My son and I asked questions to Sarah McLachlan. And not just in our heads, to the tune of "I Remember You." We sat just a few feet from, and had an even more intimate conversation (oh yes, atop equipment boxes backstage) with the phenomenal Kate Nash.

Let these pictures entice you to click over for the whole sweaty, sing-along, squealy story. 

And if that won't do it, will a cool hundy?

That's right, kittens. I'm giving away a $100 Visa gift card, simply for answering the same question I asked Sarah McLachlan. What? You aren't there yet?!

Click over. Do it. You'll be so money, you won't even know you're money.

Beforewarned: It's BYOScrunchie. 

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